I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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