He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
