I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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