my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
