I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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