3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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