I think I am morally bankrupt
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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