just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
