So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize
