I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
