No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Buhtt sex?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
