There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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