I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
