I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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