White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
