i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
