we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
