I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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