I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
