when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
