my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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