her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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