Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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