That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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