Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
