I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
