he thought i was a dude.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
