I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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