Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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