No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
