Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
