Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
