I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
