she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
