So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
