I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
