At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
