sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Randomize
