im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
