Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
