that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
