He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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