Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
