If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
