There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please don't give away my fajitas
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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