sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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