mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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