my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
