Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I won't apologize to a one balled man
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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