grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
where are you?
Hypothermia
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
