By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
