On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
