Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
