I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
