OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
